Goodness Goddess Me

Something happened to me recently which I just needed to share. A pretty life defining moment in my opinion, I just needed to find a plane trip to put it on paper.

I had the pleasure of going to a women’s day “goddess” brunch last week. My first thought, “wonderful, a room full of affluent ladies, networking, brunching, goddessing”. The thought that followed… “what the hell does one wear to a goddess brunch?”

No pressure.

I searched my cupboard for my most “goddessy” outfit and felt pretty set. Kim Kardashians new gold and perspex stilettos, black chiffon pants and a tailored black crop top, sunnies, hair, unstoppable.

Until, I hopped out of the car at the venue along the renowned Camps bay strip.

My first glimpse of the ladies there and I wanted to get right back into my car and head home. Why had I dressed like I was going to a famous persons funeral?

There were floral prints and white linen, caftans and flower crowns. There was also gin, and brunch (not to mention a hair and massage station). Having not yet eaten in my mad rush to goddess, I popped on my sunnies and entered the affluent affair.

Through the glittering room of energy, I spotted my fellow goddess and made my way to her. Her opening line, “wow I love your outfit” and mine, “that top is so flattering on you, its gorgeous”.

Stellar service slid a gin & tonic into my manicured hand and I was happy, soon suppressing my thoughts on my funeral attire and having a great time.

A few gins later and a rare moment of silence in the room, one of the speakers posed a question “what makes you a women?”

Wow

What makes me a women? A few eyes locked on to each other waiting for someone to talk first, and then someone did.

A fierce female I had just met, opened up and announced that she got dressed that morning, it was one of her favourite cocktail dresses and felt fabluous, only that feeling retreated as soon as she got out of her car. Taking one look at the other goddesses attire, she wanted to sprint back to the safty of her sedan.

This story sounded familiar.

Before the full stop of her sentence made itself known, my brunch date proclaimed “me too! I felt so good about my outfit until I got here and suddenly didn’t want to go inside.”

A sudden table of bobble heads as the stories resonated, I felt it was turn to stand up on this podium and let them all know that I had exactly the same experience.

We all grinned at eachother, having just realised we were part of the same tribe of self aware women in a world of other humans that we tend to compare ourselves to.

The fierce lady was wearing an emerald cocktail dress, my goddess date an off the shoulder shirt and skinnies and I was in my noir best. Three totally different looks. Three totally different goddesses. One feeling of negative self awareness.

We can all be plagued by our negative visions of ourselves. I had selected my own outfit then doubted it when I compared myself to others who in essence, were doing exactly the same thing to me. If we can so easily boost other people in our own minds, why are we not doing this for ourselves? Imagine looking into the mirror to look for something good, and not a mascara smudge or an acting out brow hair.

As this was sinking in, a vision of a woman glided over to me and in the most unasuming way told me that she had noticed me from across the room when I walked in (and here I was being funeral discrete) and she just wanted to let me know she loved my look.

What a gorgeous woman she was, and not because of what she looked like, but because she had it in her heart to compliment me and share her positive thought with me. In that moment she boosted me, she made me feel backed up and admired and also just pretty cool.

That’s what it means to be a woman.

As women we have the magic ability to be both powerful and nurturing, and what a truly precious gift to use it to grow each other, as well as ourselves.

Any negative self thought I had after that was flung far and wide, leaving us goddesses to do what we do best… Goddess, of course.

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From 0 – 100 (minus 58 so really 42)

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Two years ago, if you had ever heard me say “I’m off for a run with so-n-so” you would have known that I was going for a walk to chat and catch up with a friend.

I mean, running doesn’t get much better than that right? One cannot pant and catch up at the same time.

 

I slowly took my cardio more seriously, around September when the weather got warmer. I joined a running group, who ran promptly at 6am…in winter. And then I was hooked.

I did my first 10km in 2017, and after a couple of these races I moved to my first 15km in 2018. A few weeks after my first 15km I did my first half marathon with only seven days to train before committing to do it.

Two days after my first half marathon, I received a casual message from a friend saying, “how do you feel about marathons?” and next thing I knew…I was signed up and training for the Cape Town Marathon 2018. 42,2 freaking kilometres.

 

With 127 days to go when I made my commitment, I decided then and there that my training would be both physical and mental and was starting that day!

I planned a training diary, and to write about the benefits of each type of exercise I was going to do and why.

 

Week 1:

Saturday – 12,6 km training run

Monday – 45-minute spinning class

Tuesday – Muay Thai fighting

Wednesday – Alignment and Applied Kinesiology

Thursday – Leg and Bum training

Friday – 8km walk

 

Saturday was glorious. It was an enlightening run connecting with like-minded motivated people.

Monday, I took the spinning class which is something I love doing, being able to help others grow and improve.

Tuesday, this was hugely challenging, and I learnt so much about my personal limits, both physically and mentally.

Wednesday, I didn’t post about this session because it felt very sacred to me and I didn’t want to lessen that by making it public, but it was truly nourishing.

Thursday, good strong session learning about my muscles and how to get used to the benefit of the burn.

 

And here I am.

 

After this, and Fridays session to go, I realised the biggest lesson of all, both physically and mentally.

Yes, I took on a huge amount in one week, on top of a full-time job, coaching clients and personal growth work.

But that’s life.

 

There is always going to be lots going on. We are constantly faced with challenges and different situations which will make us feel happy or overwhelmed.

We will also then realise, for ourselves, when enough is enough.

 

In embarking on this physical and mental challenge, I realised I didn’t actually like the pressure of needing to train for a marathon. Thinking about my next run felt like a task. Planning my work outs for next week felt negative.

 

That isn’t what it should be about.

 

I realised I was going from 0 – 100 (minus 58 so really 42), and then rapidly back to 0 if I carry on with this.

 

I want to be a brilliant facilitator and I want to be a success in my career, this is where I need to place my energy.

I love exercising and personal development, this is where I find my joy and satisfaction.

 

So today, with 113 days of training to go, I decided this is not for me right now.

And that is perfectly fine, for me.

 

Training for anything requires all of your physical and mental focus and energy, and you need to be there for it, present and gaining from it.

All the best to those who are running, may the training serve you and your health strengthened.

 

I am going to do everything I did this week again, only this time, out of sheer love for it.

This is what is important to me right now.

 

Peace.

Self-Love is not a #selfie

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Who of us have posted a #nomakeupselfie to declare our self-love?

Or how about the gym pic with an inspirational quote?

I know I have.

 

If I were to give you a mirror and ask you to stare into your eyes and smile, simply saying “I love you” – could you?

Today, “self-love” has become a buzz word for newly singles, cheeky bum pics and the #nomakeupselfie. But is this self-love? Is this how we are demonstrating how we feel about ourselves? From this perspective, it looks a lot like people posting trending photos in the hope of getting a certain number of likes.

Then what is self-love? The media are telling us we need to have it but they aren’t showing us how. Yes, there has been a movement of all body types, a variety of expressions and takes on beauty, but behind these static images…where is the (self) love?

 

Self-Love is not a selfie. Self-Love is a frequency.

 

We achieve this frequency by understanding and therefore accepting ourselves.

Before I started the process of facilitating growth, I was never able to talk in front of more than two people. Today I do workshops in front of many more than that, not because I got a certain number of likes next to what I was putting out there, but because I learnt about me.

The key to success here is to break down the beliefs that we think are true to us, that actually don’t serve us.

A common one, I am an introvert or an extrovert. Have you ever considered that, you can be “classified” as either of these in any different circumstance? In a room of people, you have known for years you may come across as an extrovert but in a room of strangers, more introvert.

Another one, I am a pessimist or an optimist. You can be either of these numerous times through out the day, based on your programing towards that experience.

 

It takes twenty-one days to create a habit and the sixty-six days to mold it as a groove in your brain. Listening to an Oprah Super Soul Session with Deepak Chopra, he made a comment that “neurons that wire together, fire together” which just rang so true in this context.

Our words transfer our thoughts, and our thoughts are instructions to the brain. If we just change the words that we use about ourselves, we can vastly change our emotional patterns.

The next time you look in the mirror, instead of looking for the smudged mascara, why not look for your dazzling eye colour or shape of your smile?

By doing this, you are constantly releasing dopamine about yourself, for yourself, raising your frequency.

 

There is a saying, “Be Happy, Make Happy”. If you vibrate at a higher frequency, the people around you are more likely to pick up on that and join you on that level. So I would like to challenge all of you…

“Be Love. Make Love”.

 

Your life long membership to the Masqueradee

Relationships are my favourite topic when it comes to facilitating people.

Relationships have a lot to do with how we construct our worlds. Our relationships with ourselves, our families, friends and partners. Relationships with colleagues and our communities, and so, I was thrilled when I got asked if “people can fall out of love with a person they claimed to be in love with once”.

I don’t believe we fall “in” love in the first place. I believe we grow in love.

Love is something nearly impossible to explain. It is easier to explain what love isn’t than to qualify what it is. So, to “fall into” something as indescribable as that, seems a hard concept.

People all wear masks. We behave in such a way that we think society has deemed “attractive”. We do this in order to come across as the “ideal” man or woman, we crave to be called “date-able” and then finally achieving “marriage material” as our status.

The problem here is that we can’t keep our masks on forever.

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy like how each other look. Boy gets girls number and then boy messages girl asking her if she is “keen for a drink on Friday night?”

Girl is thrilled and accepts. Boy doesn’t message again that week. Boy is very laid back, hardly plans anything in advance and goes with the flow. Girl is a planner, she enjoys planning ahead to juggle her busy schedule.

It’s now Thursday and boy hasn’t messaged girl to confirm drinks. Girl has heard that boy is the laid back, non-committal type so girl doesn’t want to seem obsessive and “plays it cool”. Girl, keen to get to know boy, waits to hear from boy, passing on plans with her friends for Friday night.

Boy messages girl at 17:00 on Friday asking, “what she is up to?”.

Girl sucks up her frustration and replies in a cool way that she isn’t doing much. A few hours later boy meets her out for drinks and they have a lovely time.

Two years go by as they embark on a lovely relationship, both acting accordingly. Boy does what he is supposed to, to keep girl happy, thinking she is as laid back as him. She is always on the same page as him when it comes to going with the flow.

Until one day…

Girl just cannot take it any longer and snaps at boy for never confirming plans. Girl complains that her life feels out of control as she always puts her plans aside for him to confirm his plans and just can’t do it any longer.

Boy says girl has changed, they battle to work it out. More and more, girl seems to be changing right before his eyes, resulting in boy changing too. Girl, having taken off her mask, is loving getting to her plans again and be herself. The relationship ends as she realises she has “fallen” out of love with boy.

Here we can see, too few people know how to be themselves, shaking off the mask and being happy with who is underneath. If more people hung up or better yet, threw away the mask, we would more easily attract another who truly suits us as we are, and be able to grow in love with them.

Mask or not, people enter our lives to challenge us, this results in growth. Growing with someone is the most beautiful thing and is only possible in the long term when there are no masks in the room. This doesn’t mean growing is easy or pleasant at times but those are the times you can be sure that growth is taking place.

Take off your mask.

Grow in love with yourself, and only then, grow in love with someone else.

Raise your anchor on Rage

Whether its directed at an ex-lover or the person chugging along, skipping left to right in front of you on the highway, rage is something we are all familiar with.

This week I came across someone who had asked “how can I let go of the rage I feel for someone?”. Having recently learnt the value of hoisting up a few anchors, I shared with him this…

The “rage” we choose to feel for a person is a conditioned reaction to something that occurred. For whatever reason, someone did something to you (action) and you responded to it negatively, through what you had learnt was appropriate (reaction).

When we react to anything, it comes from a conditioned space, the sub-conscious, and so is often emotionally charged. This creates an “anchor” effect which is why we are left feeling heavy and the emotion can repeat on us time and time again. The purpose of an anchor is to prevent the ship from moving, while the rest of the ocean continues moving as it naturally would, around it. This is what negatively charged emotions do to our experiences, they prevent us from moving away from them, while the rest of the world carries on as it naturally would, around us.

The sub-conscious is where we store all our programming, good and bad. When the experience sits in our sub-conscious, we use it to navigate through life, adding to it as we go, thus charging it. After falling for the avocado as wasabi trick once, the hesitation pops to mind every time someone says, “try this” holding up anything green in your direction. We do this as a way of learning whether we should seek that experience again and by means of recognising the experience when it is about to happen again.

Every time you see the person who evoked “rage” in you or they are even mentioned, because you’ve created an emotional anchor around that experience and therefore that person, you will feel the rage again.

Hoist your anchor.

Forgiving someone isn’t about condoning their actions or having to like them afterwards. It’s releasing that emotional charge that you have created within you, so you live a better life.

Just think about it, if I bring out a gun like object and you believe it to be a gun, you’ll react in a certain way, charge that and carry that experience. If you believe it to be a water pistol, you’ll react in a different way and carry that charge with you for next time (programming).

Your reaction towards the gun like object doesn’t change what the object is, and the object doesn’t even know what you are putting out there, for the rest of your life, it continues to function the same.

Similarly, when you create rage towards someone, that person remains that person, no matter what charge you create in response to their actions. Your rage will never change them, it will change you, and because you are being kept stuck by your anchor, your dwell time results in you thinking about the experience, charging it and carrying it.

Let it go.

Hoist your anchor, forgive and focus on the present.

Get Growing

I went for the most fantastic run this morning.

I recently Black Friday-ed myself a new set of active wear and I am obsessed. Yes, the outfit is super pretty, a lady even stopped me mid leap to ask where I got them (ah yeah) but I also love it because of its practicality.

You may be wondering how practical compression tights and a sports bra really can be, and I can happily tell you, very! I cannot explain the inner peace achieved when your mind is on “left foot, one more step, another one, further, that sign is skew, I saw the sign it opened up my eeeyes, French Bulldog”. An impractical running bra, however, has the horrid ability to tear you away to having flashes of those “I think I look like this but I really look like this” running memes, the ones where you think you look like a bountifully-boobed superhero as opposed to looking like your body is attacking itself in an attempt to get you back into bed.

That being said, I had a brilliant run, with my practical and pretty outfit of choice – why? Because it works for me.

 

In case you haven’t noticed, a lot of us spend a large amount of time complaining.  My partner doesn’t communicate with me enough, I’ve never known how to cook lamb and my all-time favourite, these heels are killing me!

The soul loves a good vent but what it loves more is growth. We complain about things that we are stuck on and, as humans, we are naturally inclined to want to find new ways to do things better. Its how we structure our lives, some people just don’t know how to look at a hurdle and think “how can I do this better”?

 

Achieving a goal is not growth, it is the result of growth and the only way this goal can be attained is by asking yourself how else you can be doing what you are already doing.

My partner doesn’t communicate with me enough, how can I do this better? Ask them why they find it difficult to let you know where they are at, and what their expectation of you is, when they close up.

I’ve never known how to cook lamb, how can I do it better? Well just trying is a start, and grab a mom, they always know these things.

As for these heels are killing me, how can I do it better? Well… wine.

 

Instead of looking at the things that aren’t so optimal in the day (unsupportive sports bra) and using this as a way to think your life is less than perfect, what we should be doing is looking at any of these things and asking ourselves how else it can be done to make sure we achieve a happier state of being more consistently. Now running is always happy and peaceful for me because I have made it that way by ensuring I do it the best way I possibly can, for me.

Growth is what keeps us alive. Growth is what achieves us our goals, 10km’s and feeling good, yes please!

 

Imagine creating a life for yourself where you have no complaints and simply choose experiences to grow from, just by asking yourself better questions?

What do you deserve?

Do you remember when we were growing up, and your parents told you “be grateful for your parents, be grateful for your home, be grateful for your school”, did they ever tell you why?

As children “why” is our most used word and “because mommy says so” seems to be the most accepted response, but it shouldn’t be.

My life is abundant.

Yes, I’ll shout it from the rooftop and publish it on this blog – I live an abundant life.

For those of you who don’t know me, I drive a Getz with three hub-capped wheels and a broken side mirror. I haven’t had furniture (besides my bed) in my flat since I moved in due to financial priorities and I grind my teeth so badly there are days that I battle to unhinge my jaw, yet I live an abundant life.

For most, when they hear “abundance” they immediately imagine opulence.

An array of expensive cars, a beautiful house, and gorgeous wardrobe. Even Microsoft Word spat out “plentiful, copious, rich, wealth” earlier when I made a typo. Based on this understanding, if you extend your mind to imagine losing these things, what would you be left with? Sheer panic and depression?

Today so many of us are focused on a misunderstanding of abundance. Yes, it’s great to have nice things, but these don’t make our lives abundant. What does make our lives abundant is the gratitude that we express towards what we already have.

Expressing gratitude towards experiences and “things” positively charges them, making them flourish for us.

I could think “come on you lump of metal, just get me to work in one piece” every time I got into my car which would result in me resenting my car, creating negativity which would essentially put me in a less than fabulous mood first thing in the morning. Instead, when I look at my chariot I think “I am grateful that my car isn’t a large expense for me at the moment, which means that I have more money for my other needs, which means that I have been able to afford the work I needed to be done on my jaw, which means that I don’t get migraines anymore, which means that I can focus better on work, which means that I feel more efficient, which means that I am happier…” and so on, all because I have expressed gratitude towards my car.

 

Why are you grateful for your parents? Because mommy said so? Thanks mom, but that didn’t help me grow.

By asking yourself “which means that” when you revisit past experiences and look at your “things”, you will be introduced to the abundance of your life.  When something doesn’t seem to be working, don’t resent what is, rather accept and appreciate what the growth of it will be, by expressing gratitude towards it.

 

Positivity is contagious.

Can you image feeling down while being surrounded by a multitude of things that you appreciate and love, that serve you in your daily existence?

Abundance is a vibration, a state of mind which comes from what we are grateful for that we already have, which brings into question, what do you feel you deserve?

 

Why?

It always has been…

I was released from my prison exactly nineteen months ago, fairly recently considering I had been there since 2004. Thirteen years ago, I got stuck. One moment recounted again and again by the one narrator who has the ability to influence my entire perspective…me.

How did I become free from my entrapment? I learnt how my universe works. No, I didn’t delve into the sciences or religion. I simply got taught that everything is as it is meant to be, right now, and it always has been.

My parents dissolved their marriage in 2004 and I was the victim.

I spent thirteen years of my twenty-seven, feeling limited and disadvantaged by their choice. Spending so much time in the past, choosing to do regret and sorrow and any time that I wasn’t in the past, I was in the future, choosing to do anxiety.

When we dwell in the past, we charge our regretful memories and experiences, instilling them in our behaviour so that they can find ways to make themselves apparent in our actions today. When we live in the future, naturally predispositioned to being negative, we create anxiety, telling ourselves make-believe stories with sad endings that we go on to believe will come true.

Recounted again and again, by the one narrator who has the ability to influence your entire perspective…you.

We are all guilty of this, so guilty that we sentence ourselves to being victims of other people’s actions, victims of circumstances that we deem unfavourable and even of our own choices made when we didn’t have all the information we required.

 

Nineteen months ago, I started to learn how to get present and I started my journey to freedom.

Yes, that simple. Instead of spending my energy on the past and feeling regret or the future and feeling anxious, both leading me to be a circumstantial victim, I instead lived in the present.

By doing this I started to notice, had my parents not made their decision, I wouldn’t have applied to Stellenbosch University. I wouldn’t have connected with the people that I have spent years connecting with, forcing me to grow and to understand. I wouldn’t have the career I have today. I could carry on like this until I have named every element of my life describing where I am today, happy and utter in love with everything I surround myself with.

I often get teased that I have so many favourite things and I really do. This is because I have constructed my life by actions of my choice. I don’t feel victimised by other people’s choices or anxious about my future. Instead, I am present enough to make the decisions required to ensure that I am happy and growing every day.

 

Everything is as it is meant to be, it always has been.

That doesn’t mean it is always going to be smooth sailing or the reason for an experience is going to make itself known soon after the pain has been felt, rest assured though, you will grow from it and not be kept stuck by it, if you stay present.

 

Now, take a slow deep breath. Consider where you are and how you came to being here.

Your Present.

 

Panty Dropper

We all buy packs of underwear having slight resentment for one, less aesthetically appealing pair. Why do companies do this? Is the variety in the pack determined by management and Miranda just never had a great sense of style?

This pair usually gets slept in once a month under temperamental circumstances. Yet, there they are, glaring at you from the underwear basket, “No, don’t choose lace again, add some variety with a pattern no one has coined a name for” and so you do and just as you chuck on your ex’s t-shirt your neighbour arrives with wine and the regret that sinks in is surreal. You know they are there, when he catches a glimpse of your butt as you spring off to get changed, he knows they are there. You should have chosen lace.

 

So why keep them? Why give yourself the option to feel less than perfect?

 

I use this (dramatized) example to highlight the moment I fully learnt what it meant to have Free Will.

I was moving in with my partner in December 2016 who, up to that point, knew only of the knickers that I was happy to wiggle at him to get coffee brought to me in bed. This confidence certainly didn’t come from the colour of the underwear I was wearing, but from how I felt when I had them on.

It was then that I made the decision to get rid of (donate) every item I owned that I wasn’t completly in love with and didn’t make me feel like my best me.

 

Now this isn’t a blog about confidence through cotton, what I am trying to demonstrate is that, every single one of us knows the underwear that I am talking about and how they make us feel. Why do you cling to them or rather, let them cling to you?

We all have choices, in everything that we do yet not a lot of us have acknowledged this. Everyone has free will and the only reason some people seem to have more available to them than others is because those are the people who have gained more insight into their worlds around them and so are aware of the options that are available to them.

We seem to seek permission from those around us, our mothers, our friends, our bosses – and sometimes permission is required in terms of regulations but most of the time, seeking permission from anyone other than you can keep you stuck.

 

Think about it, who are you looking to for permission to make your choices? Are you aware of the choices that you have?

“Hey mom, should I get rid of the pairs of panties that just don’t make me feel sexy and good?”

“Goodness no, you paid for them you can’t get rid of them!”

I got rid of them. I feel amazing as I type this blog in bed wearing one of the pairs of underwear that I own, that I love.

My mother, she feels the same as she did before I had even asked her the question.

 

My choice.