The One Thing Every Woman Needs To Know About Her Money

The one thing every woman needs to know about her money is…it’s HER money.

I often find myself smuggling in items of clothing or waiting for my S.O to be out before I slip the sneakers amongst the older well known crew.

And then, when “are those new?” gets dropped, I respond “no, last season” or “they didn’t fit so ‘n so and she passed them on”. My lowest moment being when I asked to borrow R800 for groceries, knowing I would only spend half so I could use the remaining half on something I had been eyeing.

Guilty.

You may be judging me a little. That’s ok. I judged myself too, then I took a step back and wondered why I felt the need to act like Piper Chapman when I work an 08:00 – 17:00, nail my side hustle and can seriously make my own ends meet.

Therein lies the problem, I was acting like a criminal and so, I was allowing others to treat me like one.

 

Side note to explain what I mean: “acting as if” is a very powerful way of changing our state of being. Remember when your little male family member was playing his favourite super hero and he could literally fall out a tree and not cry because that particular character would never have cried should he have fallen out of a tree? Yet in real life, Timmy couldn’t keep it together if you didn’t share an Oreo with him? That’s what we are doing when we are “acting as if”.

 

We override reality and adopt the persona that we have bought into. As children, these persona’s are usually hero’s with traits that we worship. As adults, they have limiting, somewhat toxic traits that can keep us trapped.

When we adopt a poverty mind set of “I don’t deserve this” or a criminal mind set of guilt, our brains behave appropriately, as instructed, and so we “act as if” we are poor or we are criminals, making those around us respond accordingly, subconsciously of course.

What I intend each women to know after reading this is that, your money is yours. It is only yours from the second your earned it. The amount does not dictate your worth, or how much you deserve in life.

The moment you allow anyone else to determine how much you deserve in your life or what you should allow yourself to feel guilty about using your money for, is the moment you allow someone else to run the show, buying into a reality that is not your own but someone else’s, where you are just a minor character.

Everything in life is a trade. Skills for cash (your job), cash for wine (the bar), time for time (friendship), and skills for product (trade exchange), to name a few. We trade what ever it is, for most of us it is skill, for the money in our bank accounts.

Your finances inevitably will be required elsewhere in life. Responsibly, whether you are required to give half or all of it away due to family requirements or poor choices, isn’t for anyone to comment on. It is however, for you to know that that decision, and fulfilling it, is yours alone.

The free will to determine where your money goes and necessity to do so is on you because the trade that took place to get the money into your account is because of you, making the money YOURS.

It doesn’t belong to the person who you owe it to, it doesn’t belong to someone who did you a favor ages ago or to someone who earns more than you at home.

It is yours.

Money carries energy. Know that you have access to all the free will in the world, the money earned belongs to you and your power to choose and responsibly do what is necessary with YOUR money is yours.

As Candace Bushnell said “Women with money and women in power are two uncomfortable ideas in our society”, why not make society squirm a little?

 

Meaning Maketh The Woman

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Who ever came up with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” must have sent that quote to the humans below via carrier pigeon from their mountain top.

I have faced comments such as “people wont be able to relate to you, you cant advocate self love”, or “anyone with your body would feel fine posing naked”, to name a few.

 

Not true, and not fair.

 

I wasn’t born with the body I have today, it was moulded.

Moulded by me, by time in the gym and by what I choose to consume. Moulded by what friends, family and partners have said, complimented and criticized. Moulded by what I have seen in magazines and on screens.

The words that people have used when putting their opinions on me have ranged from “boudjies” to “biafran”, “chunky” to “charity”. Where are the sticks and stones now, because your words have exposed some bones over here.

These words all have meaning attached to them, however, I have recently learnt that the meaning, the feeling, we get to feel when others say words to us is not at all based on their meaning but solely based on our own.

 

How about we stop putting our interpretation of what’s good for us on to other people and we start encouraging them to figure out, and act on, what’s good for them?

My efforts in the gym and self control at birthday parties has led to more criticism than compliments, both external and internal. Countless times has my attempt to feel good about myself been discredited by those who have not been encouraged to embark on the same journey, their own way.

 

Fat days are not just for people who think they are fat and self love is not a selfie.

 

Every single one of us has had moments of elated self love, followed up moments of doubt, insecurity and longing to be accepted.

 

What every single one of us has not had, however, is the knowledge that being accepted does not mean conforming, it does not mean fitting in. It also does not mean finding a way to have“self love” as a permanent state of being.

 

It does mean working on being who you truly are.

 

Instead of bringing your judgement to the party, bring your better self. Bring the self that doesn’t even notice who eats the cake, but the self who absolutely loves being at the party, eating what feels good for them at the time.

 

I, as I am today, advocate that.

Goodness Goddess Me

Something happened to me recently which I just needed to share. A pretty life defining moment in my opinion, I just needed to find a plane trip to put it on paper.

I had the pleasure of going to a women’s day “goddess” brunch last week. My first thought, “wonderful, a room full of affluent ladies, networking, brunching, goddessing”. The thought that followed… “what the hell does one wear to a goddess brunch?”

No pressure.

I searched my cupboard for my most “goddessy” outfit and felt pretty set. Kim Kardashians new gold and perspex stilettos, black chiffon pants and a tailored black crop top, sunnies, hair, unstoppable.

Until, I hopped out of the car at the venue along the renowned Camps bay strip.

My first glimpse of the ladies there and I wanted to get right back into my car and head home. Why had I dressed like I was going to a famous persons funeral?

There were floral prints and white linen, caftans and flower crowns. There was also gin, and brunch (not to mention a hair and massage station). Having not yet eaten in my mad rush to goddess, I popped on my sunnies and entered the affluent affair.

Through the glittering room of energy, I spotted my fellow goddess and made my way to her. Her opening line, “wow I love your outfit” and mine, “that top is so flattering on you, its gorgeous”.

Stellar service slid a gin & tonic into my manicured hand and I was happy, soon suppressing my thoughts on my funeral attire and having a great time.

A few gins later and a rare moment of silence in the room, one of the speakers posed a question “what makes you a women?”

Wow

What makes me a women? A few eyes locked on to each other waiting for someone to talk first, and then someone did.

A fierce female I had just met, opened up and announced that she got dressed that morning, it was one of her favourite cocktail dresses and felt fabluous, only that feeling retreated as soon as she got out of her car. Taking one look at the other goddesses attire, she wanted to sprint back to the safty of her sedan.

This story sounded familiar.

Before the full stop of her sentence made itself known, my brunch date proclaimed “me too! I felt so good about my outfit until I got here and suddenly didn’t want to go inside.”

A sudden table of bobble heads as the stories resonated, I felt it was turn to stand up on this podium and let them all know that I had exactly the same experience.

We all grinned at eachother, having just realised we were part of the same tribe of self aware women in a world of other humans that we tend to compare ourselves to.

The fierce lady was wearing an emerald cocktail dress, my goddess date an off the shoulder shirt and skinnies and I was in my noir best. Three totally different looks. Three totally different goddesses. One feeling of negative self awareness.

We can all be plagued by our negative visions of ourselves. I had selected my own outfit then doubted it when I compared myself to others who in essence, were doing exactly the same thing to me. If we can so easily boost other people in our own minds, why are we not doing this for ourselves? Imagine looking into the mirror to look for something good, and not a mascara smudge or an acting out brow hair.

As this was sinking in, a vision of a woman glided over to me and in the most unasuming way told me that she had noticed me from across the room when I walked in (and here I was being funeral discrete) and she just wanted to let me know she loved my look.

What a gorgeous woman she was, and not because of what she looked like, but because she had it in her heart to compliment me and share her positive thought with me. In that moment she boosted me, she made me feel backed up and admired and also just pretty cool.

That’s what it means to be a woman.

As women we have the magic ability to be both powerful and nurturing, and what a truly precious gift to use it to grow each other, as well as ourselves.

Any negative self thought I had after that was flung far and wide, leaving us goddesses to do what we do best… Goddess, of course.

From 0 – 100 (minus 58 so really 42)

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Two years ago, if you had ever heard me say “I’m off for a run with so-n-so” you would have known that I was going for a walk to chat and catch up with a friend.

I mean, running doesn’t get much better than that right? One cannot pant and catch up at the same time.

 

I slowly took my cardio more seriously, around September when the weather got warmer. I joined a running group, who ran promptly at 6am…in winter. And then I was hooked.

I did my first 10km in 2017, and after a couple of these races I moved to my first 15km in 2018. A few weeks after my first 15km I did my first half marathon with only seven days to train before committing to do it.

Two days after my first half marathon, I received a casual message from a friend saying, “how do you feel about marathons?” and next thing I knew…I was signed up and training for the Cape Town Marathon 2018. 42,2 freaking kilometres.

 

With 127 days to go when I made my commitment, I decided then and there that my training would be both physical and mental and was starting that day!

I planned a training diary, and to write about the benefits of each type of exercise I was going to do and why.

 

Week 1:

Saturday – 12,6 km training run

Monday – 45-minute spinning class

Tuesday – Muay Thai fighting

Wednesday – Alignment and Applied Kinesiology

Thursday – Leg and Bum training

Friday – 8km walk

 

Saturday was glorious. It was an enlightening run connecting with like-minded motivated people.

Monday, I took the spinning class which is something I love doing, being able to help others grow and improve.

Tuesday, this was hugely challenging, and I learnt so much about my personal limits, both physically and mentally.

Wednesday, I didn’t post about this session because it felt very sacred to me and I didn’t want to lessen that by making it public, but it was truly nourishing.

Thursday, good strong session learning about my muscles and how to get used to the benefit of the burn.

 

And here I am.

 

After this, and Fridays session to go, I realised the biggest lesson of all, both physically and mentally.

Yes, I took on a huge amount in one week, on top of a full-time job, coaching clients and personal growth work.

But that’s life.

 

There is always going to be lots going on. We are constantly faced with challenges and different situations which will make us feel happy or overwhelmed.

We will also then realise, for ourselves, when enough is enough.

 

In embarking on this physical and mental challenge, I realised I didn’t actually like the pressure of needing to train for a marathon. Thinking about my next run felt like a task. Planning my work outs for next week felt negative.

 

That isn’t what it should be about.

 

I realised I was going from 0 – 100 (minus 58 so really 42), and then rapidly back to 0 if I carry on with this.

 

I want to be a brilliant facilitator and I want to be a success in my career, this is where I need to place my energy.

I love exercising and personal development, this is where I find my joy and satisfaction.

 

So today, with 113 days of training to go, I decided this is not for me right now.

And that is perfectly fine, for me.

 

Training for anything requires all of your physical and mental focus and energy, and you need to be there for it, present and gaining from it.

All the best to those who are running, may the training serve you and your health strengthened.

 

I am going to do everything I did this week again, only this time, out of sheer love for it.

This is what is important to me right now.

 

Peace.

Self-Love is not a #selfie

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Who of us have posted a #nomakeupselfie to declare our self-love?

Or how about the gym pic with an inspirational quote?

I know I have.

 

If I were to give you a mirror and ask you to stare into your eyes and smile, simply saying “I love you” – could you?

Today, “self-love” has become a buzz word for newly singles, cheeky bum pics and the #nomakeupselfie. But is this self-love? Is this how we are demonstrating how we feel about ourselves? From this perspective, it looks a lot like people posting trending photos in the hope of getting a certain number of likes.

Then what is self-love? The media are telling us we need to have it but they aren’t showing us how. Yes, there has been a movement of all body types, a variety of expressions and takes on beauty, but behind these static images…where is the (self) love?

 

Self-Love is not a selfie. Self-Love is a frequency.

 

We achieve this frequency by understanding and therefore accepting ourselves.

Before I started the process of facilitating growth, I was never able to talk in front of more than two people. Today I do workshops in front of many more than that, not because I got a certain number of likes next to what I was putting out there, but because I learnt about me.

The key to success here is to break down the beliefs that we think are true to us, that actually don’t serve us.

A common one, I am an introvert or an extrovert. Have you ever considered that, you can be “classified” as either of these in any different circumstance? In a room of people, you have known for years you may come across as an extrovert but in a room of strangers, more introvert.

Another one, I am a pessimist or an optimist. You can be either of these numerous times through out the day, based on your programing towards that experience.

 

It takes twenty-one days to create a habit and the sixty-six days to mold it as a groove in your brain. Listening to an Oprah Super Soul Session with Deepak Chopra, he made a comment that “neurons that wire together, fire together” which just rang so true in this context.

Our words transfer our thoughts, and our thoughts are instructions to the brain. If we just change the words that we use about ourselves, we can vastly change our emotional patterns.

The next time you look in the mirror, instead of looking for the smudged mascara, why not look for your dazzling eye colour or shape of your smile?

By doing this, you are constantly releasing dopamine about yourself, for yourself, raising your frequency.

 

There is a saying, “Be Happy, Make Happy”. If you vibrate at a higher frequency, the people around you are more likely to pick up on that and join you on that level. So I would like to challenge all of you…

“Be Love. Make Love”.